Because Dave is deployed, I (like most spouses without family close by) feel like my circle of friends has become my family. We eat meals together and we help each other out with things our spouse would normally help out with. We just are there for one another. As the months go by though, I feel like tensions are high for everyone and just like family, we get on each other’s nerves, we get frustrated, we hurt feelings, we argue, and we lash out. Well, since it isn’t really fair to say what other people do, it’s time to own it: I do all of those last things.
Something happened last week that has left me once again feeling left out and on the outside of the circle. A friend asked me to help her with something: to do a favor for her. No problem—I am always happy to help out a friend. I stopped by her house and noticed the spread she had laid out. I jokingly said “Are ya having a party or what?” She replied, “Oh just having some people over for dinner,” and then proceeds to list some mutual friends she had invited over. I tried to hide my hurt, but I am not sure I did a good job. I mean, what the heck: I can be your helpful friend, but not your hungry friend?
Don’t get me wrong; I understand that you can’t always invite everyone to everything. I have talked many friends down from their “why wasn’t I invited, nobody likes me, I’m not really part of the group” pity party. Rational me totally understands that it was not meant to be hurtful. But the truth is, I am not very rational right now. I’m struggling and unfortunately, the world doesn’t stop and change how it rotates just because I have found myself in a funk.
Admitting my depression, anxiety and ADHD was a very difficult step for me to make. Working through it has been a long road and a few months ago, when I finally felt I was better, truly felt like one of the best days of my entire life (read more about that HERE). So, you can imagine how tough it is for me to admit that I am not doing okay anymore.
And apparently that funk has become noticeable enough for my husband to ask if I was still taking my medication. Followed immediately by an “I hope I didn’t offend you, I’m just worried” email. No worries, I’m still medicated. While I appreciate his concern, worrying him is the absolute last thing I want to do. But if the last year has taught me anything it is that I can’t hide the way I feel. I cannot be ashamed of my struggles. I have to lay them on the table, talk about them and figure out how to move forward.
But the truth of the matter is this: life is full of ups and downs. We must struggle through valleys, places where we yearn for something better, fighting our way out of the darkness. If it was easy, I know I certainly wouldn’t appreciate the beauty of the mountaintop once I finally got there.
~Tonyia Doyle is a Navy Spouse, mom to 2 handsome sons, and back with another round in her blog series, Tonyia: My Real Life. She continues to blog as a way of talking about her own struggles with depression and other mental health issues. Through therapy and medication, she is working towards her own healing and has chosen to again share her real life with MSoS readers in hopes of raising mental health awareness. Please join her over the next six weeks as she shares her continuing journey.