Last week, Dr. Sobel told me I could finally stop taking my Effexor! Yay! I was so excited to be off the medicine that never helped me anyway. After weeks of cutting down the dosage, I was finally able to wake up Friday morning and not take it. It was only that afternoon that I started to feel crappy. But, I had a slight cough too, so chalked it up to a cold. It wasn’t until three in the morning, after changing twice due to night sweats, that I made the connection. I felt awful, inhuman. I sat in my recliner for a few hours debating what to do. It was obvious withdrawals, but should I stick it out or throw in the towel? I cried a lot while I mentally debated. I just wanted it to be over, done, finished. But I was feeling worse by the minute. My head hurt. I was shaky. It felt like my brain was bouncing around in my skull. So, I threw in the towel. I took the damn pill and five hours later, felt much better. But, I was crushed. I know it may seem silly, to be so upset about it. But I really wanted off the stuff that never helped me in the first place. And, if getting off the stuff was this horrible, what kind of side effects was I dealing with for so many years? After I felt relatively normal, I left a message with my doctor, but, as it was a Saturday and he’s leaving for a weeks vacation, I didn’t hear back from his secretary until Monday morning. I was told to keep taking Effexor until my next appointment. Sad face!
That was the only happenings in my life this past week. I have been sick with the crud so there was no deep thinking, no new revelations, and that’s okay. This journey so far has been really calm and incredibly insightful. Luckily for me, the past two years have been incredibly self healing. Before I started seeing my current therapist, I’d been seeing someone else, who took my healing to a whole other level. That’s what I’d like to share today. Michelle Burke helped me heal my inner child! Okay, I know that sounds hippy dippy, but it’s true. Let me explain. I had a lot of hurt feelings from my childhood. Mom said and did some things that were incredibly hurtful and seemed to freeze me in time. I remember everything about each incident; what I was wearing, where I was standing, the time of day, everything. They are stamped on my mind. Michelle helped me to visualize, taking my younger self back to each situation, and guide me through it again. She had me tell my younger self that what was being said or done by mom, wasn’t right, it was wrong and that I would be safe again from the hurt. I bawled like a baby each time. She also had me picture taking my younger self with me through my current life. When I’d eat a bowl of ice cream, took a walk on the beach, she told me to picture her being with me and to show her that we had made it through dark times and we were okay. It’s so hard to put into words how much that healed me. For so long, those bad moments with mom defined who I was. Now they are just memories of the past and don’t hurt me any more. Before when I though of those incidents, I would find it hard not to crawl into a dark hole and cry. Now, I think, “well, that happened, it sucked, but Im fine.” I still get a little sad, but for a whole different reason. I get sad because mom was sick and I feel bad that she never recieved help herself.
My point in all of this, is that all of us are so different. We collect memories and experiences in a variety of different ways. And depending how we collect them, it takes different ways to help make sense of them. For me, visualization helped me to deal with things from the past. For you, it might be traditional therapy, or EMDR therapy. Whatever it is, it doesn’t matter. What matters is that you keep trying new ways to heal until you get it done, even the hippy dippy ways! Whatever it ends up being for you, your worth it, so keep healing!