It’s January 1st, 2015! I am SO glad to put last year behind me! It was such a difficult year, with so many ups and downs! We got through it, but I’m looking forward from this point on!
As I told you last week, I hadn’t been sleeping much at all and some of my manic symptoms were reappearing. My mind wouldn’t stay focussed, i was crying more, and I couldn’t sit still….at all! I have an appointment tomorrow with Dr. Sobel, but I didn’t want to wait that long to sleep! So, on Tuesday I gave him a call and left a message. Less than thirty minutes later, he called me back. (I know, right?). He told me to go up another milligram on my Respridol. Last night was my second night on the increased dose, and I only woke up once, briefly! I’m so happy! Sleep is a wonderful thing! I never really realized how little sleep I was living on until I actually lost it again! Now I know how precious it is.
I also went to therapy yesterday, where I learned something new. I have a difficult time feeling like I deserve to be loved. It’s been an issue for as long as I can remember. For example, when my husband isn’t listening to me, or doesn’t do something I ask him, I get upset really quickly. I go from fine to “he doesn’t care enough” in an instant, my tummy immediately feeling the butterflies of abandonment. I asked my therapist why I am like that. I didn’t have a wretched childhood, I didn’t survive untold abuse everyday. So why am I like this? She explained it to me like this: trauma can either be a big T, or a little t. For example, a man survives a bomb blast. That is a single traumatic event, therefore a big T. On the other hand, I had some problems growing up like not getting along with mom, an abusive relationship, a cheating partner, etc. Those are little t’s. She explained its much easier treating a big T than the many little ones because the little ones become who you are. They happen over and over again, making them ingrained in your makeup. I have a bunch of little t’s that need a lot of work. I have to change the way I think in order to fix them. My husband doesn’t not care about me, he’s just grumpy! I have to learn to think that way, instead of jumping straight into “I’m not worthy”. Something I hope to accomplish in 2015!
I wanted to share something else as well. Last week, I got a text from someone. She said thank you to me, for sharing my story. She explained she was living with untreated mental health issues as well, and that by reading my story, she decided it was time to stop hiding. She said I saved her life! You have no idea how much that warmed my heart. It’s not easy putting all this down every week. It takes not only time, but a bit of bravery as well. But, I believe that I’m crushing the stigma on mental health, just a little bit, reader by reader, with every blog. Her admission, was liberating as well. I am not the only fourty something, bipolar woman out there. There are literally millions of us out there, hiding, barely coping, struggling to live every day. I strongly believe, that as each of us share our stories, the stigma is crushed just a little bit more. So again, I ask you to share my story on social media. Just click the button, you too may save a life today!