To My Younger Self

It’s almost your 18th birthday but I’m sorry to tell you your Dad is about to pass away. After his long battle with illness and years of you expecting it to happen at any moment the news will be the most shocking you’ve ever heard. You’re going to go a bit off the rails and you use his passing as an excuse for your bad behaviour for a really long time, too long.

Soon after this you get in a relationship with someone who seizes the opportunity and your vulnerability to take advantage of you. He will scar you both mentally and physically, there will be one time when you nearly don’t make it, your injuries are so severe. What happens that day will haunt your dreams for the rest of your life but he will not break you, so please stay strong.

Throughout these dark times you find yourself pregnant, you will be happy even though you wonder how you will cope. This new life will help to lift some of the sadness that you’ve been feeling. You can’t believe that there will be a little baby boy completely dependent on you and will love you no matter what. He will need you so much it gives you purpose to your life, he’s your saviour in a way. Almost a year later to the day your second baby will arrive. A little girl, still as perfect now as she ever was and a delight and joy that you could never imagine. Being a Mother is going to make you feel the most special you have ever felt.

You’re glad that you are single now, he was never a presence anyway, only ever mean and full of hate and you know you’re better off without him. Even though it’s hard work you are really good at being a Mummy! It’s as if it was your calling. The teachers at school wanted you to go to university and have a career, but this is where you really thrive and shine. Other adults are disappointed in you though, they feel you could have done better at making a success of your life and have ruined any chances you ever had by having children so young.

You feel so sad that there is such a stigma surrounding young mummies. You try and explain to everyone who looks down on you that you have and will always work and don’t want to claim benefits. You even get up at 5.30am and walk the children a mile to the nursery so you can go to work. You do this rain or shine and once you’ve paid the childcare fees you only ten pounds a week better off but it’s worth it for your self-esteem.

It continues to amaze you how other people pass judgement and assume you are not doing a good job as a Mother and fulfilling your role, this upsets you more than anything. You do your absolute best but you will always feel a little bit inadequate, as if you are not taken seriously enough, especially by the time the children get to school. You will feel as though the teachers are talking to you as if you are a pupil. By means of defence you make conversation as eloquently and articulately as you are able, perhaps even to the point of curtness at times so they know that you are to be taken seriously.

There will be days when you don’t want to get out of bed and deal with another day or another bill that comes through your door but you cope because you have to, there are more happy days than sad especially when you look into the eyes of your beautiful children.

Any time now you’re going to reunite with someone you met years ago. He will be your knight in shining armour. When he’s around you won’t have to feel afraid or not good enough ever again, he will hold your hand at night and settle you when you have those night terrors. He will treat your children as if they are his children and soon it will feel as if there’s never been any other way. In fact, I’m looking at the calendar as I write this and this week is your anniversary, you will have been married for nine years!

Those years will pass by in a whirl and there will be ups and downs. Not in your relationship, that is rock solid. You understand one another and bounce off each other and find yourselves hilarious, he will be your best friend and confidante and know each and every one of your secrets. He ends up giving you the nickname ‘Lucky’ because one year, soon after Christmas you fall from your horse and break your back. It takes you a really long time to recover but you will be ok, one day in the near future you will even run a half marathon-the exercise helps keep you supple! Around this time you will lose one business and almost everything you’ve built up over the years but through hard work and determination from you both, your new business will be better than it ever was before.

You will long for a child of your own together, not that the other children aren’t special to him, of course they are. He just wants to know that feeling of his own little newborn baby in his arms. Who can blame him? I’m afraid your tale of woe hasn’t ended yet though, you will suffer many years of sadness at not being able to conceive, eight in total. There will be two losses along the way.

In the end in your darkest hour when you thought it was never going to happen, God will be listening to your prayers at exactly the right moment. You will be blessed with a pregnancy. The two of you will share a daughter and she will bring you all so much joy and happiness. Your lives will be so full. I know you feel sadness and despair sometimes but where there is sorrow there is also hope and one day you will live the life that you dream of, this I can promise you.

As I said it may be not at all what you’re looking for but I would like to think that my story could in some way help someone else somehow.

All the very best,

Me

This entry was posted in Compassion, Education, Family, Learing and Career), Mental Health, Mind (Mental Health, Passion, Spirit (seat of emotions and character) and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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